How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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