Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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