Slut skills are useful in every country.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
