So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
