Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
