Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
