my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
