I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Also, beer. Big fan.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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