I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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