my phone needs a breathalizer
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I looked at my own cervix.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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