i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My dad is sitting where you rode me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
