I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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