Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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