Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
