I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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