two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
