Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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