I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
What a dumb baby whore.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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