Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
