I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
