Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
