i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
