At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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