Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize