It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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