I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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