i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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