well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
