her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
