i love accidental penises.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
