so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
