whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
