i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
