my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
