Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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