How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
