Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
