Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
