Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
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you inspire me to be a worse person
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
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I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
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