I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
