I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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