I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
