even my farts smell like vagina
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
