"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
