He disabled his match.com account in front of me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i believe in u and ur pee
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
