Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
