Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
