fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
