Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
