yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
