I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
