Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
