I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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