we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
