my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
