I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
