Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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