Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
