I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
