I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
