i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
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