I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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